Fading into the background

29 Mar

I am finally back in my room, nearly ready to turn in, make up removed, teeth brushed.  Today was quite the full day.  It was tough because I couldn’t sleep last night.  I kept waking up every hour.  Maybe it was the unfamiliar sounds—my next door neighbour seemed to have a bladder problem as the flush kept going!  But I never really sleep well in unfamiliar surroundings the first night, so I guess a restless night would’ve been expected.

Breakfast was nice enough.  I did want to act all hermity though and sit alone in a corner and enjoy my scrambled eggs but better judgement dictated that I take my plate and sit with the clients.  After all, I wouldn’t be here in Durham if it weren’t for them!  But I find that the more I’m in these social situations, the more I feel gawky and awkward!  I feel slightly bemused at this change in my personality.  I seem to have retreated into a bizarre half-shell (and bizarrely I am hearing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in my head: “Heroes in a half-shell!  Turtle power!”)!  I seem to be turning into a very willing wallflower.  AND I HATE IT!

I’m not the most vivacious of personalities, but I used to like to lead from the front!  I think I have a healthy amount of shyness, but it was never this crippling!  I was the girl who lead worship singing in church and during youth group fellowships, I was one of the people who lead during youth camps and youth get-togethers.  I spoke in church as a layspeaker.  I hosted events at work.  I loved theatre and performing.  So what’s happened to me then?  It’s like I shun having to stand up in front and lead that way these days.  I seem to be developing this stand-in-the-sidelines-and-work-furiously-outside-the-limelight attitude.  I find myself completely confused because there are times when I feel completely inept in social situations.  I seem to be developing this really uncharacteristic lack of confidence and I keep asking myself WHY?!?

I probably need to think about why I’ve suddenly become the way I am.  I was never a shrinking violet, but I think somewhere, somehow, I started evolving into one!

I need to get a grip on this.  I’m not going to let an intrinsic part of my personality wither away.

But first, I need to get some much needed sleep!

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2 Responses to “Fading into the background”

  1. Narendra 30 March 2011 at 03:15 #

    Awwwhhhh Poor you.. I hope you get back your edge sooner than later..be habbyy..haabbyyyyyyyyy!

  2. sanstorm 30 March 2011 at 20:32 #

    That’s how I feel too, often. I’d rather be behind the microphone at the front, than interacting for real. Once someone said I was “shy to the point of rudeness”!
    I think working with people on a shared project makes the social awkwardness dissolve. People see past the quirkiness quite quickly!

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