I am finally back in my room, nearly ready to turn in, make up removed, teeth brushed. Today was quite the full day. It was tough because I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept waking up every hour. Maybe it was the unfamiliar sounds—my next door neighbour seemed to have a bladder problem as the flush kept going! But I never really sleep well in unfamiliar surroundings the first night, so I guess a restless night would’ve been expected.
Breakfast was nice enough. I did want to act all hermity though and sit alone in a corner and enjoy my scrambled eggs but better judgement dictated that I take my plate and sit with the clients. After all, I wouldn’t be here in Durham if it weren’t for them! But I find that the more I’m in these social situations, the more I feel gawky and awkward! I feel slightly bemused at this change in my personality. I seem to have retreated into a bizarre half-shell (and bizarrely I am hearing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in my head: “Heroes in a half-shell! Turtle power!”)! I seem to be turning into a very willing wallflower. AND I HATE IT!
I’m not the most vivacious of personalities, but I used to like to lead from the front! I think I have a healthy amount of shyness, but it was never this crippling! I was the girl who lead worship singing in church and during youth group fellowships, I was one of the people who lead during youth camps and youth get-togethers. I spoke in church as a layspeaker. I hosted events at work. I loved theatre and performing. So what’s happened to me then? It’s like I shun having to stand up in front and lead that way these days. I seem to be developing this stand-in-the-sidelines-and-work-furiously-outside-the-limelight attitude. I find myself completely confused because there are times when I feel completely inept in social situations. I seem to be developing this really uncharacteristic lack of confidence and I keep asking myself WHY?!?
I probably need to think about why I’ve suddenly become the way I am. I was never a shrinking violet, but I think somewhere, somehow, I started evolving into one!
I need to get a grip on this. I’m not going to let an intrinsic part of my personality wither away.
But first, I need to get some much needed sleep!